” it’s not nice seeing such a pretty girl getting drown with a fake smile. Make it real :)”
P.s/ this is NOT a self pity post. This is.. simply me expressing myself because I really need to right now. If you don’t like that, don’t read it okay?
-
It’s 5.50am and I’m up at this time. I’ve been up at this time for weeks now.While everyone is sleeping, I am not. This is simply because my body doesn’t allow me to. It’s been ages since I slept.. at a proper time. There are so many thoughts running through my head. My mind’s just really messed up and I don’t why and how things turned out this way. All I know is that these past two months has honestly been very,very painful for me. I spend hours crying my eyes out and I don’t sleep enough. I cancel on my activities just because I don’t feel up for it. And honestly, I’m really really scared of who I’m slowly turning into. I am no longer me. I am no longer the girl I used to be. I am full of anger.. and sadness. I snap at people that I shouldn’t snap at. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I lost my passion to change the world. I lost my ever-encouraging spirit. I lost.. the joy I once had in me. I simply can’t find joy in making cards anymore. Or even when I do, I spend ages on it, make it look pretty and finish it up.. then throw it away. I’ve got about what, 20 cards at home that are meant for other people just that I don’t give it to them. And all this is happening simply because I lost the thing that meant the MOST to me. And as scary as it all seems, this is making me loose my faith as well. I hate myself for that.
So if you ask me, ” how are you?” I’ll tell you that I’m fine. That I’m okay. But honestly, I am NOT okay. Things just gets worse and worse everyday. It’s beeen a struggle.. just to get through a single day. Yes, I may seem fine on the outside when you see me at meetings, outings, youth or what not. But when I’m alone at home, it get’s bad. Real bad. How do I look at the positive side of this? How do I tell you that I’m not okay? I may have told a few of you about what’s been happening, but no one really knows every single detail. You guys just know the not-so-painful part. I can’t bring myself to tell you everything. Yet I feel a need to talk to someone about this.. because it’s slowly eating me up and making me a very bitter person. Like I said, it gets worse every single day. Maybe one day, when I’m ready, alright?
Don’t tell me it’s gonna be fine when you don’t know that yourself. Don’t tell me that it’s okay.. because honestly, it isn’t okay at all for me. I am NOT saying that YOU need to go through MORE pain than I have been going through to understand how I feel. I am NOT saying that you have to be smarter and more compassionate to understand how I feel. I don’t wish for you to understand or know how I feel because honestly, I hope you will never ever have to feel this pain. So if you want to be a friend, you don’t need to try to understand me, neither do you have to tell me it’s okay- because we know it’s not. All you need to do is.. listen, alright? :) But if you can’t, it’s okay. It really is.
I’m sorry to whoever that..I’ve snapped at lately. I’m sorry if you feel that I don’t appreciate and cherish our friendship. I do, I really do. I’m sorry that you have to see me at my worst and I’m sorry for turning into this bitter person that’s so filled with anger, frustration and sadness. It has been a really really painful few months and I’m hurting really badly. But give me awhile and let me get back on my feet again and I’ll be me soon enough alright? :) What I need now more than anything is your prayers and support. Please help me be me again.
I am not okay, but I will be in time.
As for now, I love you guys and I appreciate every single one of you ( though I don’t show it at times). I’ll be me.. soon enough. Thank you. God bless you.
This post.. was just to clear things up a little.
-
P.p.s/ Yes, I’m broken from a relationship. But PLS AH it’s not a boy-girl relationship. Uhhh, not a girl-girl one pleaseandthankyou. It’s waay bigger and more important than that.
Hi Heidy… =)
I don’t know what you’re going through but I wish there was something I could do to take part of the pain away.
The quote up there is so true.. =) You’re such a pretty girl. It’s such a waste seeing you drowned with a fake smile. I hope you’ll be truly happy again one day okay? =)
May you find joy in the things you once enjoyed doing. And though it may not seem like it, but you have many friends who are here for you. There’s so many people who cares for you deeply, Heidy =) Believe that.
I’m here if you need anything as well….
Hang on tight girl. =)